A letter to myself

Dear Ben,

You're not nearly creative enough to do this letter writing thing. Give it up.

Yours in anticipation,

Ben. x

Sherlock is fantastic. Everybody watch it. You're currently on the internet, so you may as well do it after reading my amazingly entertaining blog.

I used the word 'socio-path' far too often today after watching that.

One thing to report, a few days ago my heart sank. It sank because I realised that I couldn't drop chemistry. The reason I can't drop chemistry is because I have to take at least three subjects through to next year. This means that I have to keep chemistry on, because obviously I don't want to do drama next year; so I have to drop that.

I was convinced by this logic for a good twenty minutes.

Just to clarify, no I did not take drama. I'm fucking awful at drama. I didn't even consider, for the slightest second, taking it at college. Yet, for twenty minutes, I was thoroughly convinced that I had to drop drama in stead of chemistry.

A letter to some food

I feel I have the right to skip this one due to my first attempt at this letter being exceedingly boring and not particularly heartfelt.

I'm not feeling overly sociable at the moment, what with what seems like half the people I've ever met doing everything in their power to deprive me of sleep. I'm going to royally screw up my sleeping patterns at this rate.

Heena's in Germany.

Conor's in Spain.

Matt's in France. Lucky France.

What with the majority of the people I talk to on a regular basis being out of the country [as shown above], I should hopefully be able to hide from the human race for a day or two. That should give me time to get my sleeping back in order and generally take a break.

Despite the generally downtrodden tone of this post, I'd like to throw it out there that so far, this has been the best summer holiday I've had. I don't see why it shouldn't continue as such, as long as I keep my thoughts in order.

I need to stop daydreaming, it's really bad for me.

Also, had a quote stuck in my head for a few days, so I'll end on it here:

"It is a tale

Told by an Idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing."

~Macbeth, William Shakespeare's "Macbeth"

A letter to a celebrity whom I want to kick in the face

Justin Bieber

I hate to jump on the bandwagon, but I gave you a fair shot. I looked you up on Youtube. You, sir, are a faggot. You can't sing, you look like a faggot, and you have some of the faggiest, most cringe-worthy, and hilariously out of sync with your looks I've ever seen. How your faggy lyrics can be out-of-sync with your faggy looks is beyond me. You, sir, are a faggot of the highest order with more popularity than your average singing deserves. I know you're not supposed to hit a girl, but I would so kick you in your faggy face, given the chance.

It's at this point that I realise that fag means gay, and I would like to apologise to any gay person out there who misinterpreted that. I meant 'fag' purely as an insult, not as a suggestion that she's, in fact, a homosexual. Watch a video of Justin's singing for the definition of 'fag' I've been using.

Blog time [written before the letter, placed after the letter. Thought that was interesting, but it's not]

The last day or so,

I watched some Battlestar Gallactica, which made me want to [and henceforth, I did] play Mass Effect 2.

I had some weird dreams last night. The most recent of which involved a classroom, with a load of people I knew [but don't know in RL], as well as Andy Clitheroe. I found that one of the people, who I soon found out lived across from me, had somehow attached a spinny thing into my head. I'll give a go at drawing the thing on Photoshop.

I'll be honest, I'm a bit proud of that.

Yeah, it was a bit more detailed, but that's the gist of it. I don't know what it was for, but it was in my fucking head. I don't know why.

This led me to realise that it was a dream, but I could already feel where I was [My waking self, that is], so I knew I'd wake up in a second. Ah well, I'm getting close to lucid dreaming.

Letter time.

A letter to someone I want to kick in the face

Dear Queen Elizabeth,

I would like to kick you in the face, just to be that guy who kicked the queen in the face. I have nothing against you personally, it just sounds like a right wriggle giggle to kick the queen in the face. Wouldn't end well, but y'know, it'll be funny whilst it lasts.

I hope you see the joke in this, and don't take this as me wanting to kick you in the face due to disliking you in any way. It's just symbolic.

Yours in earnest, Ben.

Blog time:

Yesterday was fun, this morning was fun, I'm tired.

That's all the detail I really need to go into; anything beyond that would be a bit dull to read, I imagine.

I've been going on about this a bit recently, but it seems to deserve to go on th'old blog. Douglas Adams is a genius, and I'm increasingly realising the genius of this quote:

"People are a problem"

Carry on

A letter to a Dinosaur

Dear velociraptor with a jetpack and scissors,

Please don't kill every mutherfucker in any room with anyone I like, as this will render me unhappy. I'd much rather you killed some useless people, such as people with job titles such as 'Phone Cleaner' and the like. However, as I have been informed of by literary experts, this may well cause the extinction of the human race due to a terminal disease spread by dirty telephones.

So, Mrs. Velociraptor with a jetpack and scissors, I implore you don't kill anyone, due to the inevitable death by phone.

A letter to an inanimate object you hate

Dear shower,
If you were animate, I would probably have little to no need to write with regards to you. However, this is not the case. You are broken, henceforth forcing me to have baths on a far-too-regular basis. I hate baths, I get edgy after about fourteen seconds. They're far too small for a reasonably sized human being and are rarely the right temperature. Even when I actually get the temperature perfect, Isaac's second law of thermodynamics fucks me over and makes it a bit too cold - and henceforth uncomfortable. So, dearest shower, please stop being so fucking broken and sort your shit out.
Yours in anticipation,
Ben. xxx

On a life-related note, today and probably tomorrow are my social recuperation time after being with other people for far too high a proportion of the last few days. However, Tuesday shall be eventful; what with an event occurring. Should be a fine day.

I just had to delete one of the most boring paragraphs of text written since the Harry Potter series was finished.

Those books are far more popular than they deserve to be.

I may go and watch some crap Kung-Fu films. Got an urging for them of recent.

That was an odd way to phrase that sentence. I'm sure you'll survive the experiance and continue reading.

At some point you may realise that each successive paragraph has decreasing relevance to anything, and will henceforth give up reading and carry on doing something else.

Why I'm still typing is beyond me. I could do something else.

Although, I feel it amusing to carry on and see how much I can type without getting in the least bit bored.

Surely you're getting bored of reading this by now? Ah well, I'll assume you're absolutely enthralled by the sound of my voice that you imagine whilst reading this.

I realise that you didn't do that before, but you probably will for this sentence.

Try reading this next sentence in Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice.

These pink pantaloons are of insufficient size.

Wasn't that fun? There should be some form of theme-park with similar recreational activities.

I'm not sure what recreational means, but I have a reckoning that that made sense.

Why, by any sane and reasonable logic, is there a tree outside resembling a smallish palm tree?

Life goes on. Which reminds me, something that made me laugh in Catch 22: "I plan to live forever, or die trying."

Seems like a good book so far.

I imagine my readers have whittled down to an elite few who have absolutely, completely, and cataclysmally fuck all to do. Hi Conor.

Internet

It's back, and with a vengeance. Erm, what's happened that's interesting since I lost the internet? Erm... moved house? That was... erm... uneventful. Fuck it, life isn't that interesting, I'll do the letter thing.

day 1. A letter to an inanimate object you hate.
day 2. A letter to a dinosaur.
day 3. A letter to a movie character
day 4. A letter to someone you want to kick in the face expressing why you want to kick them in the face
day 5. A letter to a celebrity you want to kick in the face
day 6. A HEARTFELT letter to some food
day 7. A letter to a historical event
day 8. A letter to a giant space robot
day 9. A letter to the coolest person you’ve never met
day 10. A letter to an alien race.
day 11. A letter to your last body movement
day 12. A letter to a mythological creature
day 13. A letter to a word you don’t like
day 14. A letter to a word you love
day 15. A letter to your crotch.
day 16. A letter to your bed
day 17. A letter to a video game character
day 18. A letter to a website that ruined your life
day 19. A letter to an animal you like
day 20. A letter to an animal you think is fucking stupid
day 21. A letter to something you’ve owned for 5 years+
day 22. A letter to something you want to fuck
day 23. A letter to the drug of your choice.
day 24. A letter to one of your bodyparts
day 25. A letter to Gary Busey
day 26. A letter to the future cyborg version of you
day 27. A letter to band that really needs to break up
day 28. A letter to a movie you hate
day 29. A letter to a letter you’ve written
day 30. A letter to a bowl of fruit
Now, the ultimate question; Is today day 1 or is today day 0? I'd say zero, m'self. Ah well. I may fail at this, because I'm not likely to remember to do this every day. I'll just do them as they come - who says the days have to be consecutive?

Moving house

The single most stressful thing. Everything is boxed up, including my XBox. Fantastic time to have a massive Oblivion craving.

I imagine that sounds quite dark and melodramatic if you don't know what Oblivion is. [It's a game.]

I can't be doing with it. Not least because of the cats. We have to have them locked in from now until tomorrow, just so we know where they are in the morning. They keep scrambling at the cat flap and it's heart-breaking. And they'll have to be confined to the kitchen through the night because otherwise they'll tear up the carpets D:

I hate it. Want it over and done with.

Also, I've just found out that I'll be going without internet for a week. Ah well, lots of unpacking to be done. I suppose I'll carry on painting my Warhammer. Also, there's nothing to stop me listening to music.

I genuinely don't think I could cope without music. I've started listening to 'Sparks', who are absolutely awesome. Listening to them today, and my uncle David came in to compliment me on my choice of music.

Also, Lynyrd Skynyrd has some of the greatest guitar work of all time.

I need more people with my taste in music. At the moment, it seems to be just me, Jamie and David.

I'm also getting along quite nicely with learning Karma Police.

I wonder what the origins of music are. There must be some reason that it exists which helped our survival.

Food for thought.

My thumb

Still a mess. Wish it'd sort itself out already.

I felt a bit shit before, but a bath sorted that out nicely (Y)

Spent too much money on buses, and missed a total of 3 of them today.

Avenham was pretty good.

Jamie put plenty of music on my iPod.

Nothing else to say, life goes on.

A right wriggle giggle

I thought that that trip would be absolutely awful. However, it ended up absolutely brilliant. Perfectly timed, too.

I was expecting two open days, to be honest. I was expecting to get loads of information that I didn't really want. However, this is what panned out.

We [James, Katherine, Elise, Suffayan, and me {I've almost certainly spelt at least one of those names wrong}], went for a wander around Cambridge. I'm pretty sure there's no other place with a higher bike/square meter ratio. The whole place is insanely nice, the people there are brilliant, the place has loads of patches of grass, it's just fantastic. Katherine had an astounding ability to get us in to see places that we weren't really allowed to go, which was rather impressive. Loads of people had these cool straw hats, and James really wanted one. So we set about finding him one, and found the nicest hat salesman. He was such a cool guy, he was determined to find a hat that I liked that fit me. Unfortunately I have an obscenely huge head, but James got his hat.

Elise had a pack of cards, so we played Chinese snap. This resulted in far more injuries than any reasonable card game should, and it was great fun. Others joined us, so we ended up with eleven people playing a massive game of snap. After we got bored of that, we followed the obvious logical progression from playing snap and made a human pyramid. Took a few tries, but we got three layers eventually.

The rooms were fantastic, en suite and everything. Food was fantastic. My only reservation was that we didn't see the physics department. Ah well, I assume it's good.

The next day, we talked to the mathematics admissions tutor. He had a cool Russian[ish] accent. He was probably Russian.

We went around Cambridge a bit more, played some more snap. We were all leaning in on our elbows so that we could all reach, except James. He decided to lie on his back. He did astoundingly well for someone playing snap who couldn't see the cards. He had me laughing by putting a card down, snapping, getting it wrong [He couldn't see], and saying 'I was sure it was a two...'.

We set off to Oxford. Music and book kept me entertained on that journey.

Oxford was pretty nice. Too many buildings for me, really, but I do see the appeal in it over Cambridge. Preferred the feel of Cambridge, to be honest. However, we got to see the physics department. The experiments there are absolutely ace. And the guy just went ahead and showed us a particle accelerator. Fucking amazing.

At some point, I went past James' room to find a few people in there. I went in, and it seemed that he was inviting more or less everyone that went past in. We had a laugh.

Afterwards, James kept repeating the same phrase to everyone that he talked to soon afterwards. 'Why didn't you come to my room? It was a right wriggle giggle'.

At some point, we were all in George's room playing various card games. we ended up playing blackjack/pontoon, where you have to get as close to twenty-one without going over. I dealt, and James placed a large bet [we were just betting with cards]. He had two cards, looked at me with absolute conviction as to what was the right thing to do, and said 'Twist.' I gave him a card, it was a queen. He then looked at me again, and with unbelievable certainty said 'Stick.' It turns out, he hadn't looked at his cards, and he ended up with two queens and a jack.

Needless to say, I was out laughing for a while.

There's so much that I must've missed out, but the whole thing was so fun. The coach journey back was ace, too. I'll upload pictures tomorrow and explain better then.